a tired mother’s musings

it’s been one of those days.  (three days in a row actually)  one of those days where the night was punctuated with too many wake up calls.  in the morning i’m somehow still surprised at the creaking ache of my old tired bones, though i’ve been dealing with them for months now.  one of those days where i look in the mirror, and really don’t recognize the melasma, laugh lines (ha!), and oh wait i need to put my glasses on, no, now it’s worse.  yep, one of those days, weeks now i suppose.

i have been dragging, wallowing, and pitying myself just  little too much this week.  today, i was in the grocery store with Zoe.  she was her typical smiling and friendly self which attracted the attention of fellow shoppers.  eventually the question came, “is she your first?”  then the answer that tends to shock, “no, my fifth.”  today it was met with a happy smile and, “congratulations.”  but somehow today, i felt sad.  not sad to have Zoe, she’s perfect.  not sad to have 5 kids, it’s wonderful, a dream come true really.  but today, as i’m schlepping over hump day with a limp and in need of too much caffeine, i felt a strange kind of nostalgic sadness.  where has the time gone?  i swear just yesterday i was in this same grocery store, with a similar smiling baby, happily answering, “yes, this is my first.”  that time i had a nine month old whose teething was a much harder hurdle, 15 lbs lighter, but i was already pregnant with my second, and had just moved, again!  and yet, just 8 years ago, i was energetic, youthful, and spry.  sigh.  those were the days.

yes, it’s been one of those days, but i’m resolving to move on.  it’s time to fake it ’til i make it.  i know i’ll feel much better if i don’t think too much about how much has changed for the worse over the past decade, and focus on how much is better.  5 amazing kids, much, much wiser, comfortable in my skin (so long as i don’t dwell in front of the mirror too long), and happy, in spite of my limitations.  yes i am.  tomorrow, i will probably wake stiff and tired, but tonight i’ll put a smile in my heart as i realize there’s nothing i would change.  (but i may not put on my glasses until i’m far away from the mirror.)



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