in general, i am a pretty confident person. i know exactly what i want and where i’m going, and for the most part, i am happy. but when it comes to blogging, i all of a sudden feel my confidence wane. why are you blogging? what’s your blog about? these are questions that i sometimes feel i can’t answer, especially when i consider the time it takes away from my “real life.”is it a waste?
today, i find myself with time on my hands as i am resting from an injection of steroids into my spine. i’m not allowed to move today. in fact, i’m not supposed to do much of anything for the next week or so. it’s funny really, as i have talked to other people who’ve had injections like this, they each have said, “i didn’t have to be down that long.” so when i asked the Dr. about it he said, “yeah, that’s for people who just go to a normal job, since you have a baby and a 2 year old, we don’t want you going back to your normal activity for a week or so.”
my normal? it makes me feel so peculiar. but, in a weird way, that’s the answer to the question of why i started a blog. my normal activity is pretty intense, 5 kids, busy activities, huge housekeeping responsibilities, a part time photography business, so many people to think of and look after, i just decided i wanted an outlet that was purely me.
so, what will this blog be about? i’m not that sure right now. i think it’s going to be pretty “stream of conscious” for the time being. this is intentional. i am intentionally not carefully curating the content to appeal to a particular audience, or showcase my talent, or increase traffic for my photography, etc. it is about sharing what’s important to me, so that includes family, meals, photography, faith, art, clothes, education….the list goes on and on. for now, i’m comfortable with an online space that’s just about the things i like.
if i spend a year blogging out my projects, travels, and feelings, i will feel the goal for this blog is achieved. if i make some new friends along the way, all the better.
it’s been one of those days. (three days in a row actually) one of those days where the night was punctuated with too many wake up calls. in the morning i’m somehow still surprised at the creaking ache of my old tired bones, though i’ve been dealing with them for months now. one of those days where i look in the mirror, and really don’t recognize the melasma, laugh lines (ha!), and oh wait i need to put my glasses on, no, now it’s worse. yep, one of those days, weeks now i suppose.
i have been dragging, wallowing, and pitying myself just little too much this week. today, i was in the grocery store with Zoe. she was her typical smiling and friendly self which attracted the attention of fellow shoppers. eventually the question came, “is she your first?” then the answer that tends to shock, “no, my fifth.” today it was met with a happy smile and, “congratulations.” but somehow today, i felt sad. not sad to have Zoe, she’s perfect. not sad to have 5 kids, it’s wonderful, a dream come true really. but today, as i’m schlepping over hump day with a limp and in need of too much caffeine, i felt a strange kind of nostalgic sadness. where has the time gone? i swear just yesterday i was in this same grocery store, with a similar smiling baby, happily answering, “yes, this is my first.” that time i had a nine month old whose teething was a much harder hurdle, 15 lbs lighter, but i was already pregnant with my second, and had just moved, again! and yet, just 8 years ago, i was energetic, youthful, and spry. sigh. those were the days.
yes, it’s been one of those days, but i’m resolving to move on. it’s time to fake it ’til i make it. i know i’ll feel much better if i don’t think too much about how much has changed for the worse over the past decade, and focus on how much is better. 5 amazing kids, much, much wiser, comfortable in my skin (so long as i don’t dwell in front of the mirror too long), and happy, in spite of my limitations. yes i am. tomorrow, i will probably wake stiff and tired, but tonight i’ll put a smile in my heart as i realize there’s nothing i would change. (but i may not put on my glasses until i’m far away from the mirror.)